Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Dreams and Heartbreak

I haven’t been posting anything on my blog this summer because I’ve been really busy with something else. LightHouse Ohio, it was an entrepreneurial incubator I started with two of my friends and it took most of my summer. Other than that, I spent a week in July getting <5 hours of sleep a night baking and selling gourmet cupcakes at my town fair.

I wrote this staying up late at my friend Ziggy’s house, about to go back to school and get back to this New York life. I leave on Thursday.

This summer was really good for me. I felt like I grew a lot as a person. Home always helps ground me, helps me see perspective. I’m grateful I got to spend quality time with my friends this summer, and for all the quality conversations we had. They and my family are the most important people to me in my life. 

Everything was going so great with work, relationships, etc and then my girlfriend broke up with me a week ago. It was really shocking and heartbreaking. I felt different, in the days after...sentimental, really, alone. Like driving home, everything was glass and I risked shattering it by existing too hard. Passing by all these places I grew up around, thinking about how my dad’s side of the family has lived here for generations and I was going to New York City to pursue...flashes of a dream, an environment that I need right now for what I want.

It was sad to see, this first year out of high school. Real life has descended on us like a cloak, around our shoulders. Those who are in college, catch glimpses of the cold reality that faces them. Those who aren’t, are already in that reality. Some aren’t handling the burden well. I see drugs, immaturity, lack of privilege hindering some of the people I’ve known since I was young.

But back to the breakup. When you break up with somebody, it’s like you shared this dream and now it’s gone. And you’re left with your own dream, to nurture and care for, but all by yourself. You’re climbing the mountain alone now. It’s lonely but it’s necessary for growth sometimes. You need to let your dream grow big enough on its own. One day you’ll share someone else’s dream again, one day it might end, but always with new insights and colors and ways of seeing the world. And one day if you’re lucky, you might find somebody you fall in love with forever.

For the past two years, I haven’t listened to anything other than (trap) rap, Grimes, and Lana Del Ray. Rap hasn’t been as appealing to me lately, except for the new Gucci Mane mixtapes “World War 3: Lean” and “World War 3: Gas.” Recently, I’ve just been listening to Lana Del Ray, Nana Grizol, and The Ohioans. Here is a song by Nana Grizol that I really like:

I’ve reevaluated a lot about my life this summer. I thought I completely knew what I wanted to do with my life last year, but I found out I’m still looking. I don’t know if I care about money as much as I thought I did. I did at one point, because I believed in it in a certain moral way, as an obligation to provide and to help and also—for myself and my friends—to have fun. But money doesn’t matter if you’re not doing the things you love and being with the people you love. Those two things are more important than anything. I think a better way to phrase it is, “I want enough money so that I don’t have to care about it anymore.” Whatever I want to buy, I can get...

So now it’s going back to school alone. The lonely grind. It’s sad I lost my partner-in-crime...I was going to write “but” after the ellipses, but there is no “but.” It just is the way it is. It’s a situation I have to deal with. 

I feel hopeful, and sad, and sentimental. I feel a muted excitement for the future. The times of reflection are just as important as the times of doing. Being sad teaches you to want to be happy...

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